How To Be An Idiot - condensed version

It's only four days into the new year and I think I just broke (or horribly disabled) the paper shredder in the office where I work.

It's a humongous, industrial strength paper shredder.

It probably costs $10,000 dollars or something.  Maybe a million, I don't know.

Usually I just recycle stuff, but I had a bunch of personal things like bank statements and crap so I got the bright idea I would bring it all to work and shred it in the huge paper shredder.

I was so excited I started shoving in papers.
Then more.
Then I shoved a whole fat stack.
It went almost the whole way.
Then it made a noise like someone was squeezing a mouse.
Then it stopped and tried to reverse.
More mouse squeezing noises.
I tried to shove it through.
Didn't work.
I tried to pull it out.
Didn't work.
I started hitting buttons.
A smell of burnt paper puffed out.
I looked around.
It was early in the morning so there weren't any witnesses.
I said, "Goddamn it, muthafucka!  Shred!"

It didn't work.

The red light kept blinking.  I hit more buttons, but the squeal changed to a dying gurgle.

The light went off.

I killed the paper shredder.

So then I did what any intelligent person would do.

I ran away.

2012 is starting out to be awesome!

2011 Holiday Gift guide

For those who have everything, I bet they don't have this.

That's right.  A goat.  You can give a goat for Christmas!  And you can order one on the Internet.

I love the Internet!

That's what I got my in-laws.  They didn't have a goat.  Well, actually they got a card saying I donated a goat for them.

If you don't like goats they also have cows and camels.  Your choice.

You can go here to see how it works.

And if you do this and your gift recipient is all like, "Thanks for the goat!"

But then they keep looking at you.

That look.

That look that says, "Okay, where's my real gift, dammit?"

You can then say, "Huh?"

You can watch them get all red-faced and embarrassed because they just kinda sorta admitted they're greedy assholes.

Then you can say, "Fine, here's your gift, you asshole."

I'm ORGANIC!  Yeehaw!

Then they will feel all guilty and shit.  Which are what the holidays are all about.  And then they'll feel bad and offer you some of the vodka you just gave them.  And then you can drink it.  It's like getting an extra bonus gift.

Merry Christmas!

No Reservation

Sena has graduated to the big high chair and already has two little teeth coming in. My little baby is growing up, and has sampled the following culinary delights:

Rice Cereal
Apple sauce
Bananas
Pears
Sweet Potatoes
Prunes

Did you know prunes look the same coming out as going in?

I will only post pictures of the latter.





Plus, here is a little how-to home video. I made creme brulee over Easter weekend for the very first time.

Because I'm fancy.

However, I didn't have a creme brulee torch so I asked my dad to bring his. He doesn't have a creme brulee torch, either. He has a blowtorch. The concept, however, is the same. I'm pretty sure this demo will get a thumbs up from both Bob Vila and Anthony Bourdain.

I'm narrating this video and because I had a bad cold I sound a little bit like Dorothy from the Golden Girls. Also, you will notice a Scottish tam and a pint of Guinness, which are both very necessary for the demonstration.

If you have ever wondered why I'm insane you will finally see and understand that it's genetic.

No reservation from Melinda Braun on Vimeo.

Bartending 101

Yes, the day is finally here. Time to participate in good ol' democracy and vote for the masochist who really wants to inherit this mess we have to clean up.

Now because there's going to be A LOT of drinking going on today and tonight (both celebratory and the sorrow-drowning kind) and mucho hangovers tomorrow, I decided to invent a special drink for the occasion. At least, I think I invented it.

I call it THE GOP.

Now the GOP stands for the Grand Ol' Party, but in this case I'm calling it by another name...

Grody Ol' Puker

I realize this is not the most imaginative name, so if you can come up with a better one email it to me, and if you win the contest I will send you an autographed copy of my children's book. Or a used Q-tip. Your choice.

Here's the ingredients of the drink and the steps for making it properly.

Fill one Dixie paper cup (plain, no design - this is anti-choice) with three ice cubes. The cubes must be made with tap water, not purified water, not bottled water, not fancy Evian water from France. None of that ELITIST EUROPEAN water, got it? And it must be three cubes. Not four. Not one. Three. The three symbolizes the branches of government: legislative, executive, and judicial. It also symbolizes the Holy Trinity. Or it can symbolize other things like euphemisms for the devil. My three choices for the Prince of Darkness are: Lucifer, Ol' Scratch, and my personal favorite, Beezelzabub.

Fill your Dixie cup three-quarters full with Wild Turkey bourbon, a.k.a the Dirty Bird, a.k.a. the Kickin' Chicken. Again the reason for this is that it is good old American whiskey, not Irish or Scottish. Try not to subsitute with Jim Beam or Maker's Mark. Why? Because Wild Turkey is straight 101 proof. The 'straight' appealing to good red-blooded heterosexuals and 101 proof instead of the regular 80 because it is a great example of American ingenuity and excessiveness. Why have 80 when you can have 101, dammit? Only nancies drink Jim Beam.

Okay, now that your cup is 3/4 full, top off with ice-cold Coors light. You know, because you're 'folksy'.

Add an American flag swizzle stick and you're almost done. Depending on who you're serving will dictate your garnishes.

If you're serving a woman, give her some index cards with recipes for meatloaf and tater-tot hot dish and tell her to get back in the kitchen. Where she belongs.

If you're serving anyone that has a darker skin tone than alabaster or speaks with a foreign accent, give them a squinty look and say with a vaguely threatening tone that, "You know, I have a cousin that works for the INS."

If you are serving someone who doesn't have union protection, give them a copy of a pink slip. To use as a coaster.

If you are serving a crusty old white man with an air of superiority about him, give him a free sample of Viagra.

If you are serving anyone who wears any headdress of any sort - turban, head scarf, or an 80's style sweatband, hit them in the forehead with a Bible. The King James version makes a satisfying smack.

If I failed to mention someone not in any of these categories, don't worry. Everyone else gets one leather bootstrap. Just one. Do with it what you will.

Cheers!

How-To: Resumes and Interviews

I'm in the midst of reviewing student applications and resumes and emails and calls for interviews. This happens every year. We are always hiring and training students, and frankly, this place wouldn't run without them. I've been doing this for several years and you'd think that by now I would know what person is going to work out and be a good employee and who's dumber than a bucket of pudding.

And you would be very, very wrong.

One thing I've learned... you cannot tell by looking.

The thing about this job is you need to be detail-oriented and used to catching minute errors in spelling and little quibbly things. You have to be able to read well. Sometimes you have to trouble-shoot and intuit what you THINK the patron might want. When the prison library requests come in and an ex-con requests the title: HOES, he is looking for popular street erotic fiction, not a book on useful garden tools by Martha Stewart. Some people catch on to this rather quickly. Some never do.

I just had a great student graduate and leave for greener pastures so I need to hire a new student. So far, so not good.

So here are some tips for college students, and people in general, when you are looking for a job.

1. Don't show up to a 1:00pm interview looking like you just rolled out of bed.

2. Don't tell the interviewer, after they ask you why you applied for this job, that, "Yeah, I think I need some structure in my life." I think that's what the ROTC is for.

3. Don't wear flip-flops to a job interview.

4. If you do wear flip-flops, please get a pedicure. I don't want to look at your fungal-infested toenails and have them remind me of the corn chips I ate for lunch.

5. Please include your name on your resume.

6. Also, feel free to use a resume template. Just be sure that the objective line doesn't say: Please write your objective here.

7. A good objective if you can't think of one: To get a job. This job.

8. Don't list your friends or their parents as references. Or your parents. Or your pets.

9. Please check for misspellings and correct numbers. I don't want to call your phone number and get Domino's pizza.

10. I know many students don't have much work history and write their hobbies down as a way to fill space on the paper. You don't have to do this. I don't really care.

11. If you must include hobbies, please spell them correctly. If you like painting and reading that is great, but if you really do like EXORcising and not EXERcising, then we might have a problem. Although freeing innocent souls from the clutches of Satan's demonic minions does indeed sound like an INTERESTING hobby. You can just keep that private.

Hope this helps all the job-hunters out there.
Good luck!