You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

How To Be An Idiot - condensed version

It's only four days into the new year and I think I just broke (or horribly disabled) the paper shredder in the office where I work.

It's a humongous, industrial strength paper shredder.

It probably costs $10,000 dollars or something.  Maybe a million, I don't know.

Usually I just recycle stuff, but I had a bunch of personal things like bank statements and crap so I got the bright idea I would bring it all to work and shred it in the huge paper shredder.

I was so excited I started shoving in papers.
Then more.
Then I shoved a whole fat stack.
It went almost the whole way.
Then it made a noise like someone was squeezing a mouse.
Then it stopped and tried to reverse.
More mouse squeezing noises.
I tried to shove it through.
Didn't work.
I tried to pull it out.
Didn't work.
I started hitting buttons.
A smell of burnt paper puffed out.
I looked around.
It was early in the morning so there weren't any witnesses.
I said, "Goddamn it, muthafucka!  Shred!"

It didn't work.

The red light kept blinking.  I hit more buttons, but the squeal changed to a dying gurgle.

The light went off.

I killed the paper shredder.

So then I did what any intelligent person would do.

I ran away.

2012 is starting out to be awesome!

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