It's only four days into the new year and I think I just broke (or horribly disabled) the paper shredder in the office where I work.
It's a humongous, industrial strength paper shredder.
It probably costs $10,000 dollars or something. Maybe a million, I don't know.
Usually I just recycle stuff, but I had a bunch of personal things like bank statements and crap so I got the bright idea I would bring it all to work and shred it in the huge paper shredder.
I was so excited I started shoving in papers.
Then I shoved a whole fat stack.
It went almost the whole way.
Then it made a noise like someone was squeezing a mouse.
Then it stopped and tried to reverse.
More mouse squeezing noises.
I tried to shove it through.
I tried to pull it out.
I started hitting buttons.
A smell of burnt paper puffed out.
I looked around.
It was early in the morning so there weren't any witnesses.
I said, "Goddamn it, muthafucka! Shred!"
It didn't work.
The red light kept blinking. I hit more buttons, but the squeal changed to a dying gurgle.
The light went off.
I killed the paper shredder.
So then I did what any intelligent person would do.
I ran away.
2012 is starting out to be awesome!