You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Bartending 101

Yes, the day is finally here. Time to participate in good ol' democracy and vote for the masochist who really wants to inherit this mess we have to clean up.

Now because there's going to be A LOT of drinking going on today and tonight (both celebratory and the sorrow-drowning kind) and mucho hangovers tomorrow, I decided to invent a special drink for the occasion. At least, I think I invented it.

I call it THE GOP.

Now the GOP stands for the Grand Ol' Party, but in this case I'm calling it by another name...

Grody Ol' Puker

I realize this is not the most imaginative name, so if you can come up with a better one email it to me, and if you win the contest I will send you an autographed copy of my children's book. Or a used Q-tip. Your choice.

Here's the ingredients of the drink and the steps for making it properly.

Fill one Dixie paper cup (plain, no design - this is anti-choice) with three ice cubes. The cubes must be made with tap water, not purified water, not bottled water, not fancy Evian water from France. None of that ELITIST EUROPEAN water, got it? And it must be three cubes. Not four. Not one. Three. The three symbolizes the branches of government: legislative, executive, and judicial. It also symbolizes the Holy Trinity. Or it can symbolize other things like euphemisms for the devil. My three choices for the Prince of Darkness are: Lucifer, Ol' Scratch, and my personal favorite, Beezelzabub.

Fill your Dixie cup three-quarters full with Wild Turkey bourbon, a.k.a the Dirty Bird, a.k.a. the Kickin' Chicken. Again the reason for this is that it is good old American whiskey, not Irish or Scottish. Try not to subsitute with Jim Beam or Maker's Mark. Why? Because Wild Turkey is straight 101 proof. The 'straight' appealing to good red-blooded heterosexuals and 101 proof instead of the regular 80 because it is a great example of American ingenuity and excessiveness. Why have 80 when you can have 101, dammit? Only nancies drink Jim Beam.

Okay, now that your cup is 3/4 full, top off with ice-cold Coors light. You know, because you're 'folksy'.

Add an American flag swizzle stick and you're almost done. Depending on who you're serving will dictate your garnishes.

If you're serving a woman, give her some index cards with recipes for meatloaf and tater-tot hot dish and tell her to get back in the kitchen. Where she belongs.

If you're serving anyone that has a darker skin tone than alabaster or speaks with a foreign accent, give them a squinty look and say with a vaguely threatening tone that, "You know, I have a cousin that works for the INS."

If you are serving someone who doesn't have union protection, give them a copy of a pink slip. To use as a coaster.

If you are serving a crusty old white man with an air of superiority about him, give him a free sample of Viagra.

If you are serving anyone who wears any headdress of any sort - turban, head scarf, or an 80's style sweatband, hit them in the forehead with a Bible. The King James version makes a satisfying smack.

If I failed to mention someone not in any of these categories, don't worry. Everyone else gets one leather bootstrap. Just one. Do with it what you will.


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