You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman

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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Are You Prepared?

I was having fun cleaning out the closests yesterday. No, I wasn't high, really, I think it's fun.

I needed to finish wrapping presents. Yes, I'm done. How ya like me now, bitches?

Yes, I'm an annoying Virgo.

On a side note, it's easy to get your Christmas shopping done early when you do it at Costco and the liquor store. And at Costco's liquor store. Seriously... Alcoholics love my presents.

Anyway, so I have this giant gift bag where I save all the other gift bags. It's also where I save boxes and other containers I can reuse later. After I found the boxes/bags/bows I needed I reorganize everything into smaller, more compact configurations. And I get rid of any crap I've been saving that I realize I will never use.

I found a hideous goldfish bowl. Not a bowl for goldfish. A bowl in the shape of a goldfish. It has a big gaping open mouth and I set it on my dresser, examining it. I remember exactly where we got it. At a Christmas party last year. And it wasn't a white elephant party, either. No, someone actually picked it out, wrapped it up, and gave it as a gift. Someone who is demented, mean, or thought, "Hey, Finally I can get rid of that uglyass bowl and no one will know who it's from!" It was one of those party games where people exchange gifts and you never know who's going to end up with what.

Matt ended up with the colossal boobie prize. A fucking fish bowl.

At first I thought it might have some potential. Like, maybe we could drink ridiculous fruity booze drinks out of it. But no, it's too awkwardly shaped to hold or use as a glass. Or maybe I could store stuff in it, like change or bags of weed, but I never leave change or bags of weed lying around the house. Duh...

Then I decided to keep it. On purpose. For the Christmas party this year. I would RE-GIFT it! Why? Because I'm a goddamn bunghole, that's why. And no one would know.... Except, then I realized the person who gave it last year would know. And maybe they would get it back!

Which would serve them right.

But as I examined it I realized I couldn't, shouldn't do it. I decided to put Mr. Goldfish in the glass recycling so as not to inflict his tackiness on anyone else. Because Lord knows, Americans really don't need to add to their tackiness.

And that story is a very long segue into something else I found in the closet. No, not Jimmy Hoffa.

It was my Go Bag.

What is a Go Bag, you ask?

It's a bag you grab in case of emergency. Specifically, if you have to evacuate your surroundings due to Tornado, Flood, Fire, Locusts, Zombies, or the Apocalypse due to the Vikings winning a Superbowl.

In that case, I guess a Go Bag wouldn't help much.

For a list of what to put in your Go Bag, Go Here.

I also recommend a bottle of vodka, for medical purposes.

2 comments:

Susan said...

Wow..do you really have all that stuff in your Go bag; I'm impressed. But I really had a laugh about the quarter for the phone!

Christina Rodriguez said...

I'm a preparedness junkie so I can appreciate your Go Bag (and hope you've moved it to a more accessible location). I don't get having quarters in the bag, though. I've not seen a payphone that takes them in years!