You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Take me away. Seriously.

Well, this is my last post of 2008, but don't worry my lovelies, I will return in 2009 new and improved. That, actually, doesn't make sense, one of those sayings you see everywhere in marketing.

Heads up, madmen. If something is NEW it cannot be IMPROVED. Because it's NEW!
Gawd... dumb butts.

So I could recap this year with all the memorable things I've done, the list of goals I promised to complete that I just looked at the other day. I don't really make resolutions, more like things I want to accomplish, places I would like to travel to, and stuff like that.

Do you know what number one on my list was for 2008? Don't worry, I'll tell you...

1. Learn to juggle

I even have a book, called Learn to Juggle (duh) and the little hackey-sack balls. I started last January, reading the book to page 2, then threw the book down and said to myself, "I don't need no stinking directions; I'll just force myself to learn." After 20 minutes I got so frustrated that I whipped the balls at the wall with enough force to split the seams.

I blame the fact that I never played sports that required hand-eye coordination like basketball, tennis, or baseball. I played soccer, skied, swam, and ran track. Not things that improve legerdemain.

My brother can juggle. He played baseball. Matt can juggle. He played basketball and tennis.

I cannot juggle and it's driving me nuts. So I've decided to go back to the book and start over. 2009 is going to be my year.

Other things I plan to accomplish in 2009.
1. Finish my novel
2. Get a literary agent
3. Go somewhere warm and drink beer while celebrating my 3-book deal with a major publisher
4. Learn to JUGGLE!

Other things I did accomplish in 2008. I did finally jump out of a plane. And I did start this lovely blog.

So I will end 2008 with a little video that I just couldn't resist. The Air Guitar National Championships. Yes, it is a real championship.

I used to do air guitar in my bedroom, though it wasn't technically air guitar since I used an old Wilson tennis racket as my Fender Stratocaster. I was getting pretty good, flying off my bed, careful not to decapitate myself on the ceiling fan, and practicing my David Lee Roth kicks. But it all came to a crashing halt one fateful afternoon.

I was 15. I was rocking out to Bon Jovi, and I jumped into a low crouch in the middle of my room, not too low so that I wasn't able to see myself in the large mirror above my dresser. I WAS AWESOME! I leaned back and closed my eyes, lip-syncing the words to Living on a Prayer.

I snapped my eyes open at the sound of my brother Jimmy, who was standing at my door, peering in through the crack. I saw his face reflected back in my mirror, and the horrible realization that I had no idea how long he'd been watching me.

Long enough.

He was screaming in laughter. Falling down screaming. I'm surprised he didn't wet himself. I wanted to kill him. I debated for a second that I could actually use the tennis strings as a garrote to strangle him. For a second I thought that murder was my only option.

I'm only now realizing how lucky I was to grow up without Youtube or camera phones.

I hurled my racket into the closet and ran into the bathroom and locked the door, hoping that I could just pretend it didn't happen.

That was the last time I pretended to be a rock star.

So I have to appreciate this guy for putting himself on stage, doing things that only consenting adults should do in the privacy of their own home.

So I wish you all a wonderful New Year's Eve. Don't drink and drive. Don't drink and do air guitar, either. Unless you have a shiny gold jumpsuit.

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