You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Friday, October 4, 2013

iphone home

Conversation last night with Matt:

Me: My phone sucks.  It keeps shutting itself off.  The battery sucks.  My text messages fail.

Matt: How long have you had it?

Me: Forever.

Matt: ?

Me: Over two years, I think.

Backstory: I did have an iphone several years back.  So did Matt.  But I smashed his in a fit of rage*.  Then I let him use mine and I downgraded to a dumb phone.

* The rage was totally justified.  Mainly because I warned him that if he didn't for the love of God stop playing those stupid fucking games all the time I'm gonna smash your phone into a million pieces**, just try me if you don't believe me***.

** It was more like seven pieces, maybe eight when I slammed it full force into the linoleum kitchen tile.

*** Now he believes me.

Matt: Well, you can get a new phone then if you want.

Me: I can?  Can I have an iphone?

Matt: Are you going to use it?

Me: Of course.  I just won't be playing crap games on it 24/7, like someone I know.  You freak.

Matt:  Huh?

Me: So how much is it?

Matt: $200.

Me: What!  But what if you get in on the contract.

Matt: That's with the contract.

Me: What!

Matt: Otherwise it's about $400.

Me: For a damn phone?

Matt: Well, it's more like a computer.

Me: Didn't they just come out with a new cheaper one?

Matt: Yeah, they did.  The 5s and the 5c.  I guess the 5c is only $100.

Me: Does the c stand for crap?

Matt: Probably.  I wonder what the s stands for?

Me: Probably stands for "Suck it, sheeple!"

Matt: It looks cool.

I look at the picture of the new phones.

Me: Hey, it comes in colors!  It's plastic.  It's crappy.  It's PERFECT for ME!

Matt: What is the difference between them?

Me: Umm, there is no fingerprint scanner on the 5c.

Matt: That's cool.  A fingerprint scanner.

Me: I bet the next model will have a retina scanner.

Matt: What?

Me: Well, they already have a retina display, right?  So I bet they'll get a retina scanner to unlock the phone.

Matt: Creepy.

Me: yeah, what if there becomes a black market for stolen eyeballs?

Matt (flinching): What?

Me: It would be like the Minority Report.  The part where Tom Cruise has to put in stolen eyeballs to break into that place?  You would have thiefs with eyeballs to unlock phones.

Matt (shivering): What's wrong with you?

Me: I think I would rather have my finger cut off than my eyeball gouged out.

Matt (screaming): Stop staying that!

Matt is weird about eyes.  You cannot say the following words to him without him flinching and shivering.  Eye.  Eyeball. Poke.  Stick.  Gouge.

Me: Okay, so can I have a iphone then?

Matt (relieved this conversation is almost over): If you really want.

Me: I like the blue one.

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