You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Friday, November 16, 2012

Ho, ho, ho, goddammit!

Scene - Thursday afternoon at Menards

I am standing in the return line, with a wad of fake garland.

Cashier: Can I help you?

Me: Uh, I want to take these back.  I just got them last weekend.

I plop the thirty odd feet of fake white pine and pine cone garland onto the counter.

Cashier (peering the mess of green plastic needles): Is there anything wrong with them?

Me: Uh, no.  Um... well, they're nice but when I put them up they just looked really ugly.  Fake and ugly.

I am being totally honest.  When I saw them I thought, "ooh, those look pretty good for fake."

Then I wrapped them around the outside railing and stood there and looked at it and thought two words: Polish Christmas.

It looked tacky as hell.

So I took them back.

Cashier laughs and nods.  She thinks they're ugly, too.

Later that afternoon....

I am standing outside and attempting to string together all the lights in such a way so everything connects because there is only one outside outlet - 1 million feet away - by the back patio door.

I did buy an extension cord,several extension cords, but when I went to connect the net lights and icicle lights I realize that the extension cord is a 3 prong and I can't connect it to the 2 prong light cord.  I have no adapter, either.

Me: Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Sena:  What?  What are you saying, Momma?

I don't know why she listens to me now.  She never listens to me when I tell her to put her shoes and coat on, to come here and let me fix your hair, let's put on those socks, and please don't stand on the chair, and don't run around with food in your mouth, and let's go brush our teeth, and no you can't have a cookie right now....

But she loves to hear me curse.

Me: I'm trying to put these lights up.  Ugh.

Sena: Ugh.  Ugh.  What's ugh, Momma?

Me: Exactly what it sounds like.  Ugh.

Sena: What are those?

Me: Lights.  For Christmas.  It's supposed to be pretty.

Sena: What for?

Me: I don't know.  Um, because it's pretty.

Sena looks at the multicolored icicle lights I am attempting to wrap around the railing.  There is a long railing down to the driveway.

Sena: I'm cold.

Me: Put your hat on.

Sena: No.

Me: That's why you're cold.

Sena: I want to go in.  I want to watch Robots.

Me: You've already watched that movie twice.  (Thanks, Kelly.)


Me: No.  Help me with the lights, okay.

Sena: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! ROBOTS!!!!!!!

Me: If you keep yelling Santa will be mad and won't bring you any presents.

Sena: ????

Me (wrestling with the net lights on the shrubs):  Dodobutt!

Sena: What's dodobutt?

Me: It's a word.  Dodobutt.

Sena: What is it?

Me: Me, apparently.

Finally we finish with the lights and when it gets dark I turn them on.  It actually looks good.  I feel kind of like Clark Griswold and think, "I should get some more!"

Matt comes home.

Matt: Those lights are bright.

Me: Do you like them?

Matt: It looks nice.  How much electricity does that use?

Me (lying): Not much.  Why, are our electric bills too high?

Matt: No, they are cheap.

Me: Yeah, because I never turn the lights on.

Matt: You are now.

Me: Yeah, cuz it's Christmas time and we are going to enjoy it!

Matt: It's all for Sena?

Me: Yes.  It's supposed to create magical memories for her.

Matt: Where is she?

Me: Watching Robots.

1 comment:

Susan2115 said...

Jeez...that was hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing...and it brought back some great holiday memories of decorating and swearing...