You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Wednesday, May 30, 2012


INT - Afternoon 

Scene: McDonald's

I'm sitting at a two-top table in my plastic chair, facing the door.  On my right is a corner booth, with three middle-aged women, possibly tennis players.  They are lean and tan and short-haired, aka - active grandmas.

At my immediate left is a guy, probably mid-forties.  He's dressed regular and has mirrored sunglasses on.  He's also wearing a blue baseball cap, though I don't know why that's even important.

Suddenly, the booth of grandmas next to me erupts in happy hollering.

Grandma 1: I won!  I won!

I look up from my cheeseburger and see her waving a little monopoly stub, and I realize that McDonald's is doing their Monopoly game.

Grandma 2: What did you win?

Grandma 1: $10,000!

Me (thinking): HOLY SHIT!

I am suddenly sad because I didn't get the value meal with the fries or drink so I don't have a monopoly game piece.

Guy next to me: Hey, everybody in this place has been winning something.

Me: Really?

Guy: Yeah, it's weird.

He holds up his soda cup at me in wonder.

Guy: I just pealed off my piece and it said I won $5,000.

Suddenly Grandma 2 squeals like a stuck pig:  I just won a wave-runner!

I feel like crying because I have no game pieces and I have no money to get any more food.

The guy feels sorry for me so he offers me his French fry box.

Here!  You can have this one.

Me: Okay, Thanks!

I peal off the little sticker and look at what I won.

$2.2 million dollars.

(If you haven't guessed I'm dreaming by now, I'll tell you - I'm dreaming.)

I am immediately terrified.  They all look at me expectantly, but I know if I tell them the truth they will kill me and take my game piece.  At the very least, beat me unconscious and take it. I just know.

And then I do the only thing I can do.

I lie.

Me: Oh, I won another French fry.

Them: Oh, that's nice.

Then everyone turns away and starts talking about their prizes.

But I'm sweating.

Guy: Aren't you going to go get a free French fry?

Me: I'm not hungry.

Guy: Well, can I have it then?  I'm still hungry.

Me (panicking): Um, okay.  Uh, I'll go get it for you.

I get up, somehow feeling if I run all the people in the booths will turn into evil Pterodactyls and fly at me and rip the flesh from my arms and legs and peck out my eyes.  And take my ticket.

I go up to the counter, prepared to buy a new box of fries, but then I get to the counter and I remember something: I HAVE NO MONEY!

Me: Shit!

Worker: Can I help you?

Me: I want a free french fry?

Worker (disgusted): They're not FREE.

Me: Oh, um, okay.  Nevermind.

I panic and run to the bathroom and plot my escape.  I know they are going to figure it out soon, take my Monopoly game piece and leave my mutilated corpse in the McDumpster.

Then I wake up.  I'm soaked with sweat and it's five minutes before my alarm goes off.

I turn to Matt with huge eyes:

I just had a dream I won 2 million dollars playing McDonald's monopoly!

Matt: Really?

Me: Yes, it was horrible.

Matt: You are weird.  Why are you all sweaty?

It's several hours later now and I have no moral or lesson to learn from this dream.

Except if I'm ever in a McDonald's and see those people, I'm going to steal that guy's fry box and run like hell. I'm sure it will be on the evening news.

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