So with all this stuff about sexting and whatnot, I decided to give it a try. With my husband.
We've been married a long time.
A long time.
But there is a problem.
I don't text.
So I sent my husband an email instead, and in the subject line I wrote: SEXY SEX
Me: Hey, can you get the number of that roof guy and see if he can come out sometime for an estimate.
Matt emails back.
Matt: Yeah, that is not a sexy email.
Me: I know, but I figured if I wrote "roof" in the subject line you would delete it.
How smart am I, mofo?
Matt: You can't outsmart me!
Me: It looks like I just did.
Matt: Your mean.
Me: It's you're, not your.
Matt: I don't think you understand sexting.
Me: I don't think you understand grammar.
A little while later.
Me: Can you pick up some ~~~millllk~~~ on your way home?
Matt: What's ~~~~~?
Me: It's how I say milk very sexily.
Matt: I give up.
On a side note, I only ever received one obscene phone call in my life. And it wasn't even obscene. And I didn't realize what was going on until after it happened. I was in high school and even more stupid than I am now.
Scene: My parent's house in 1990. Near dinnertime. I'm in the kitchen and my mom is sitting at the table when the phone rings.
Caller: How are you?
Me (thinking it's one of the neighbor adults or a friend of my dad's or something): Fine.
There is silence for a moment.
Me: Did you want to talk to someone?
Me (in my snotty fifteen year old voice): Okaaaaayyyyy?
Caller: What are you wearing?
There is silence. I still haven't figured it out yet.
Me: I think you have the wrong number.
As I hang up the phone, I realize what just happened.
Me: Oh my God!
Me: I just got an obscene phone call!
Mom (horrified): What did he say?
Me: He asked what I was wearing. I said, "Clothes."
Mom: What else did he say?
My mom starts laughing.
I hang out by the phone, half hoping he'll call back.
He never does.