You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I'm bringing sexy back.

So with all this stuff about sexting and whatnot, I decided to give it a try.  With my husband.

We've been married a long time.

A long time.

But there is a problem.

I don't text.

So I sent my husband an email instead, and in the subject line I wrote: SEXY SEX

Me: Hey, can you get the number of that roof guy and see if he can come out sometime for an estimate.

Matt emails back.

Matt: Yeah, that is not a sexy email.

Me: I know, but I figured if I wrote "roof" in the subject line you would delete it.
How smart am I, mofo?

Matt:  You can't outsmart me!

Me: It looks like I just did.

Matt: Your mean.

Me: It's you're, not your.

Matt: I don't think you understand sexting.

Me: I don't think you understand grammar.

A little while later.

Me: Can you pick up some ~~~millllk~~~ on your way home?

Matt:  What's ~~~~~?

Me: It's how I say milk very sexily.

Matt: I give up.

On a side note, I only ever received one obscene phone call in my life.  And it wasn't even obscene.  And I didn't realize what was going on until after it happened.  I was in high school and even more stupid than I am now.

Scene: My parent's house in 1990.  Near dinnertime.  I'm in the kitchen and my mom is sitting at the table when the phone rings.

I answer.

Me: Hello?

Caller: Hi!

Me: Hi.

Caller: How are you?

Me (thinking it's one of the neighbor adults or a friend of my dad's or something): Fine.

There is silence for a moment.

Me: Did you want to talk to someone?

Caller: Yes!

Me (in my snotty fifteen year old voice): Okaaaaayyyyy?

Caller: What are you wearing?

Me: Clothes.

There is silence. I still haven't figured it out yet.

Me: Well???


Me: I think you have the wrong number.


As I hang up the phone, I realize what just happened.

Me: Oh my God!

Mom: What?

Me: I just got an obscene phone call!

Mom (horrified): What did he say?

Me: He asked what I was wearing.  I said, "Clothes."

Mom: What else did he say?

Me: Nothing.

My mom starts laughing.

I hang out by the phone, half hoping he'll call back.

He never does.

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