You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Friday, May 20, 2011

The End

Apparently, the Rapture is tomorrow.

I just found out about it.  Shit....

Okay, here's the thing.  I may be a little rusty about the whole "Revelations and Apocalypse thingy" that we learned about in the Bible, but I do remember some stuff, because dammit, I went to Lutheran school through grade 5 and those Jesus teachers made us memorize tons of Bible passages.

That was actually a class.  Memorization.

It was horrible.

But not because I was bad at it.  No.  It's because there was always several kids in the class (always boys) who either couldn't memorize the 10 commandments to save their soul or were dyslexic or learning disabled or just didn't give a rip.  It was sometimes hard to tell.  Back in the 80s, they didn't screen for that stuff or make any allowances for the kids who couldn't keep it.  They just beat it into you.  With their Bibles.

Anyway, there was always this boy (I'll call him Tony) who would get called on and then have to stand up next to his desk and begin the process I like to call Lutheran Recitation Torture. Similar to Chinese water torture, except no Chinese or water is involved. Tony couldn't remember one damn word.  Not even the "covet your neighbor's wife" part, which is kinda dirty.  No, Tony would need constant prompts and cues and stand miserably twitching and trying to scratch his leg with his other foot.

By the end of listening to Tony I had gouged out chunks of wood out of my desktop with my fingernails.  I simultaneously wanted to stab him in the neck with my no. 2 pencil and projectile vomit.

Did I mention I had a huge crush on Tony?

Anyway, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, the Rapture.

Hate to break it to ya Jesus freaks, but the Rapture isn't tomorrow.  Or next Tuesday.  Or December 23, 2012.

I know.

Guess why?

Because I learned in the Bible that the Rapture happens only when no one is expecting it.  That's how it comes.  Seriously.  So every time you hear someone make a prediction, you know they're full of it.

You can even say I said so.

There is an actual passage about it but I forget how it goes.

I guess should have paid more attention in class.

No comments: