Last Friday I had the day off. A real day off. I didn't have to work and the little tatertot went over to Grandma's house. So what did I do with my whole entire free day? A free day I had been looking forward to for three whole weeks? Did I get liquored up and hit the strip clubs with a bunch of dollar bills? No. I couldn't you see, because Tires Plus took all my money.
Here's the breakdown.
Go to get an oil change. I gots a coupon! Yay! I walk in the door.
Me: Hi, I want to get an oil change.
Wayne (it's on his shirt): Okay.
He pulls up my info on the computer.
Wayne (arching his eye): Matthew?
Wayne: You're due for a transmission flush.
Me: No thanks.
Wayne: Tire rotation? It's free.
I slide my keys over, wishing I would have remembered to chalk my tires to see if they actually rotate them. Wayne picks up my keys and looks at my cow keychain.
Wayne: Does this one poop?
Wayne: I saw a cow keychain where you pushed a button and a brown bubble inflates out of the cow's butt.
Me: What? Where did you see that?
Wayne: You wouldn't believe the weird crap on people's keychains.
Oh yes I would.
Me: Wow! Mine only moos.
Wayne makes the cow moo, and I realize I'm wishing I had a cowpooping keychain because I think that is a lot better.
Me: Yeah, I'm from Wisconsin.
Wayne: Huh? I thought all the cow people were from Iowa.
Now I'm insulted.
Me: How long will it take.
Wayne: About a half an hour.
I wander off and go to a couple stores in the strip mall. About 20 minutes later my phone rings. It's another dude from Tires Plus.
Dude: Ah, your transmission blah, blah, blah is really dirty. I recommend doing the flush.
Dude: There is also a cabin air filter that is really dirty. Should I replace it?
Me: How much is that?
Dude: 30 dollars.
Dude: Your battery is almost dead. Should I replace it?
Me: Christ. Okay. How much is that?
Dude: $100. There is also a burnt out bulb. Should I replace that?
Dude: By the license plate.
Me: There are lightbulbs to light up your license plate?
Me: No, don't do that. I don't care about that.
Because it will now be another hour I go over to Baker's Square. I worked at a Baker's Square in high school and walking through the door gives me flashbacks. And not in a good way.
A girl who looks about twelve seats me at a booth. I order the Eggs Benedict and doodle on my list of things to do. I wonder what Sena is doing and if she's talking her nap.
I eat my Eggs Benedict. I'm surprised that they are good. I was expecting something on the order of pig slop, but I am very happy to be wrong.
I pick up the parsley garnish and rip it to pieces. All I remember is some stupid skit from SNL called "Destroy your Garnishes" I saw when I was a teenager. It's probably on the internet somewhere. Because of this, I must shred any piece of parsley, orange peel, or flower petal placed on my plate, lest they reuse it on the next diner. As I'm doing this I realize I'm insane.
Pay bill, leave and go back to Tires Plus. They are done. I get my bill. I swear.
As I slide my card through, the number comes up. Is this okay? it asks me. I hit NO on accident but realize it probably wasn't an accident. The guy laughs nervously and has to run it again.
I drive home, stop at the car wash because I feel dirty and violated. Then I go to the liquor store and buy a bunch of wine.
My day off was AWESOME!