Tires Plus and Just Say No

Last Friday I had the day off.  A real day off.  I didn't have to work and the little tatertot went over to Grandma's house.  So what did I do with my whole entire free day?  A free day I had been looking forward to for three whole weeks?  Did I get liquored up and hit the strip clubs with a bunch of dollar bills?  No.  I couldn't you see, because Tires Plus took all my money.

Here's the breakdown.

Go to get an oil change.  I gots a coupon!  Yay!  I walk in the door.

Me: Hi, I want to get an oil change.

Wayne (it's on his shirt):  Okay.

He pulls up my info on the computer.

Wayne (arching his eye):  Matthew?

Me: Yes.

Wayne:  You're due for a transmission flush.

Me: No thanks.

Wayne:  Tire rotation?  It's free.

Me: Okay. 

I slide my keys over, wishing I would have remembered to chalk my tires to see if they actually rotate them.  Wayne picks up my keys and looks at my cow keychain. 

Wayne:  Does this one poop?

Me: What?

Wayne:  I saw a cow keychain where you pushed a button and a brown bubble inflates out of the cow's butt.

Me: What?  Where did you see that?

Wayne: You wouldn't believe the weird crap on people's keychains.

Oh yes I would.

Me:  Wow!  Mine only moos.

Wayne makes the cow moo, and I realize I'm wishing I had a cowpooping keychain because I think that is a lot better.

Me: Yeah, I'm from Wisconsin.

Wayne: Huh?  I thought all the cow people were from Iowa.

Now I'm insulted.

Me: How long will it take.

Wayne: About a half an hour.

I wander off and go to a couple stores in the strip mall.  About 20 minutes later my phone rings.  It's another dude from Tires Plus.

Me: Yeah?

Dude:  Ah, your transmission blah, blah, blah is really dirty.  I recommend doing the flush.

Me:  Okay.

Dude:  There is also a cabin air filter that is really dirty.  Should I replace it?

Me:  How much is that?

Dude: 30 dollars.

Me: Okay.

Dude:   Your battery is almost dead.  Should I replace it?

Me: Christ.  Okay.  How much is that?

Dude:  $100.  There is also a burnt out bulb.  Should I replace that?

Me:  Where?

Dude: By the license plate.

Me: There are lightbulbs to light up your license plate?

Dude:  Yes.

Me: No, don't do that.  I don't care about that.

Because it will now be another hour I go over to Baker's Square.  I worked at a Baker's Square in high school and walking through the door gives me flashbacks.  And not in a good way.

A girl who looks about twelve seats me at a booth.  I order the Eggs Benedict and doodle on my list of things to do.  I wonder what Sena is doing and if she's talking her nap.

I eat my Eggs Benedict.  I'm surprised that they are good.  I was expecting something on the order of pig slop, but I am very happy to be wrong.

I pick up the parsley garnish and rip it to pieces.  All I remember is some stupid skit from SNL called "Destroy your Garnishes" I saw when I was a teenager.  It's probably on the internet somewhere.  Because of this, I must shred any piece of parsley, orange peel, or flower petal placed on my plate, lest they reuse it on the next diner.  As I'm doing this I realize I'm insane.

Pay bill, leave and go back to Tires Plus.  They are done.  I get my bill.  I swear.

As I slide my card through, the number comes up.  Is this okay?  it asks me.  I hit NO on accident but realize it probably wasn't an accident.  The guy laughs nervously and has to run it again.

I drive home, stop at the car wash because I feel dirty and violated.  Then I go to the liquor store and buy a bunch of wine.


My day off was AWESOME!