You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman

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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

An open (Christmas) letter to Hoover

Dear Hoover,

How are you?  I'm not fine. 

Yesterday, I was using your lovely vacuum  that I bought sixteen months ago.  I really loved using it....really.  I used it several times a week, vacuuming up cat hair, dust bunnies, Cheerios, spider carcasses, gobs of unidentified deitrus.  It worked like a champ; I particularly loved the hepa-filter and bagless cannister - I'd liked to see all the gross stuff being dumped into the garbage can.  (I'm weird that way.)

You'll notice I wrote that in past tense.  Loved.  Used.

See, your piece of shit vacuum broke yesterday.  And it wasn't the motor, engine, life-time hepa filter, brush, hose, etc.

It was the plastic foot lever that turns it on.  When I stepped on it, the whole piece snapped off like a stale Triscuit.

I swore loudly.  Mightily.  I examined it.  Could I fix it?  Nay....  I could not.  It broke in such a way that I couldn't even stick a screwdriver down there to flip it on.

If I didn't know better, I'd swear that the whole thing was planned that way.

I examined the warranty, which was only for a year.  The year had passed.  I looked closer - it didn't include "normal wear and tear"

Normal wear and tear?

Now, I'm not some gigantic wildebeest, angrily stomping on my vacuum with cloven hoofs.  But I already knew that my breaking your shittily foreign made plastic piece of horse poop you call a vacuum would result in the classification of "normal wear and tear".

Henceforth, I will never buy another Hoover. 

I hope Santa takes a poo in your stocking.

Sincerely,

Mindy

3 comments:

Kelly said...

Ha ha, love it!

But sorry that it broke, that sucks...

Susan said...

A good laugh to start my morning...you are too funny.
But actually, I love love my Hoover and would never buy another brand. My Hoover is 20 years old and works like a champ. Sorry you did not have such luck.

Melinda Braun said...

It's because your Hoover is 20 years old that it still works great. It was probably made in the USA and has metal parts. Everything made now is crap plastic.