Sweet Dreams

Here's a tip. Don't drink too much Cabernet on an empty stomach, debate religion and politics with your brother-in-law, and then fall asleep on the couch.

I did that last night and as a result had this dream.


I am lying in a pool on my back. The pool is only about a half foot deep so the water is covering most of my body, but not my face, which is good because otherwise I would drown. (I don't know what happens if you drown in your own dream but I'm betting it's not good).

I fall asleep in the warm relaxing pool of water. There are other people around but no one's paying attention to me.

When I wake up, everyone's paying attention to me. For all of a sudden I realize my swimsuit has shifted itself downward. So now I'm topless. Great.

I'm mortified in my dream. I'm also sunburned. Horribly. I'm actually in pain. I remember the pain like your skin is a few sizes too small. People are pointing at me and making faces. I try to hobble away and cover myself but everyone keeps saying, "Boobie, boobie, boobie..."

Then it gets worse.

Ashton Kutcher shows up, looking like he's on the set of Punk'd or something. I see him and he immediately runs after me like he has to tell me something of great importance. I'm still trying to figure out why I can't pull my swimsuit back on so I turn away. I'm swearing and trying to pull up the nylon straps but then I give up and grab a towel instead. He comes up behind me and gives me a bear hug. I want to scream because of my sunburn. I struggle pathetically. Ashton kisses the side of my head and whispers, "But I LOVE you."

Then I wake up. I feel icky and shameful, like I wet the bed. Actually, I'm sleeping on the couch so I check the cushion for a pee stain. Thankfully, I have not actually pissed my pants.

No more wine for me... Or politics or religion.