You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Monday, April 19, 2010

The cake is on fire

This past weekend we celebrated three birthdays.

Matt: 36
Will: 16
George: 2

To celebrate all in one fell swoop, the entire passel headed to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner, or what I call: The place with the never-ending menu.

Seriously, have you seen their menu? It's a book. A picture book of food, drinks, and advertisements for no-wrinkle pants and denture cream.

Because I'm still trying to get off the last few pounds of baby weight I ordered the "Weight Management" salad, which said it was under 590 calories.

590 calories. For a salad. Which makes me wonder what the hell is in the other dinners. A tub of Crisco?

Well, the salad was huge so I only ate half. I made up the other calories by drinking wine. Oh well.

Sena behaved herself. Though it wouldn't matter if she screamed her head off in that place. It sounds like drunk soccer hooligans took over the jet engine test room at NASA. Somebody could get shot in that place and you would think it was just the busboy dropping a bucket of silverware.

So Sena alternated gnawing on her toys and then throwing them on the floor. Matt went to the restroom several times to wash them. Lesson learned: Always bring anti-bacterial wipes. Or a shitload of toys.

Then we went home to open presents. Matt who is 36, going on 12, got golf balls, wiffle baseballs and a really neat wiffle ball bat.

We got George a book and a solar system puzzle. I still feel sorry for Pluto, who is no longer considered a planet.

For Will, who is 16 today, Matt found a funny book called: 400 Secrets of Chuck Norris. Or something like that.

The problem was that Matt didn't READ the book he bought a sixteen year-old boy.

I did.

As I was getting ready to wrap it I decided to read it. I had heard a few funny Chuck Norris lines before.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. Chuck Norris waits.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

The boogey man checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas to bed.

I opened the book and read a really dirty anecdote about Chuck Norris. REALLY DIRTY.
They used words that rhymed with Chuck but started with the letter F.

Then I walked into the other room.

"Umm, Matt? Did you read this book?"


"You didn't read this book, did you, before you bought it?"

"No, why?"

"Uhhh, maybe you should read this..."

"Oh. Oh! That's pretty bad."

"Yeah, I don't think you want to give a teenage boy this book. At least not in front of his mom."

"Probably not."

"I still have the receipt. You can take it back."


"Or are you going to keep it for yourself?"

"Mmm... maybe for myself."

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

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