You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Wednesday, December 3, 2008


So last weekend me and Matt decided to be a little crazy. We actually went out and shopped on Black Friday, or as we called it, "Holyshithowmanycarsdoyouthinkareinthisgoddamnparkinglot?"

Seriously, I haven't gone out on Black Friday in several years, but figured that because the economy was bad that the malls wouldn't be so bad.

Wrong again. There were actually stores that opened at 4 a.m. that day and people waiting for hours in line at Best Buy. Someone got trampled to death at a Wal-mart in New York. Because the economy is so bad, the deals were so good. But I just can't care that much... I'm never going to be the type of person that can gear myself up for that behavior. I don't know - I just have never wanted ANYTHING that bad. Nothing. Especially not TVs or cashmere sweaters or small kitchen appliances. Perhaps this means I will never be truly successful; I just don't have the cutthroat gumption needed to get ahead. Who knows? I consider myself a fairly competitive person, but I don't know if I could ever find myself in a situation where I'm gonna go in for a Full-Nelson choke hold on some middle-age housewife because there's only one Williams-Sonoma panini maker left and Holy Jesus! It will be MINE! Yes, I would totally win that fight, but do I really want to?

I remember my mom telling us stories of the toy rushes for Christmas. You know how every year there is that one toy all the kids want? Or really, the toy that all the marketing executives CONVINCE every parent that the kids must have or they will become total losers without? Yes, that toy.

When I was a kid it was a Cabbage Patch doll. Then it was Care bears. Remember them? My mom told us how when the doors opened people were running and screaming down the aisles to the Care bear display. Total pandemonium. I imagine it like the soccer hooligans in Britain, the ones who totally lose their shit and start throwing their Newcastle bottles at each others heads. Or maybe that's all British people.

So my mom manages to grab two Care bears, one for me and one for my sister. Then some wildebeest of a woman tried to snatch them away from my mom.

A word about my mom...she's a fairly mild-hearted person, a proper person, a person who doesn't swear, burp, fart (at least when I was growing up). A person who always makes their bed with hospital corners, who would never stoop to eating a sandwich over the sink, or pull out a wedgie in a public place. A person that believes there is a right way and a wrong way to complete a task, someone who irons their pillowcases and underwear.

Put it this way - When I was growing up I was certain I was adopted.

However, when this heinous harpy tried to snatch our Care bears, my mom snapped. Got all medieval. Put her free hand on that woman's melon and shoved her down, probably dropping an F-bomb in the process, and possibly stepping on her, before dashing off to the comparative safety of the checkout lane. I only WISH I could've seen it.

So the stores were not THAT bad, but there was definitely a lot of shopping going on. I spent an inordinate amount of time at one of those mall kiosks, this one a guy was advertising the Rosetta stone foreign language kit. I don't know if you've heard of these but they're very popular. And very expensive. The guy pulled me in right away; I don't know, I must have a stamp on my forehead that says SUCKER, because the kiosk people ALWAYS go for me, and I feel bad about being mean to them so I listen to their spiel. But the Rosetta stone is cool; the guy was going over the French lesson with me (the one language I actually studied) and then told me it was only $500 bucks today (a sale). I think I said "Sacre Merde!" (holy shit!), started laughing and walked away.

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