You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Friday, October 31, 2008

What is your major malfunction?

So I've spent about three or so hours trying to figure out how to rip a dvd on my computer, then upload it to the internet. You would think this should be easy.

Not so easy for me...

First I figured out how to rip the dvd of my skydive onto my Mac using a little application called Mactheripper, which I downloaded from the internet. It was free and it worked. Surprise, surprise. I'm always nervous about downloading anything. I assume an evil little clown will pop up on my screen, flip me the bird, and then my computer will burst into flames.

Then I couldn't figure out how to play it. It stored the information into something called a TS folder, which I later learned stood for Transport Stream. Or something like that. Maybe it really stands for Total Shit. In this folder were all the components of my video, the audio and visual and such. Got it?

Then I poke around on Google some more and found another application that would allow me to open my TS folder and play the video. Quicktime (which I have) wouldn't recognize the format so I then downloaded something called VLC, another free application.

This seemed to work. When I opened my TS folder with VLC, then clicked on VOB file (Video Object?) then a screen popped up like a dvd player and I was able to watch it. Coolio! It worked. I now have my dvd on my computer.

Now how to transport it onto the web, either to Vimeo or youtube.
I think I got close...I clicked on export and streaming, but then I think the parameters of the clip were not correct because when I tried to upload it seemed to work but then the clip was all garbled and weird.

Back to try something else... Still with me?

Then I read about this thing called MPEG streamclip. Another free application. It is supposed to be able to convert TS files into DV files or other kinds of files that QuickTime recognizes and then are able to upload onto the internet. I download it but it won't work without Quicktime MPEG-2, which is something you have to buy from Apple. 20 bucks. I break down and buy it.

Then I install it.

Then I repeat the process but it doesn't seem to work. The little wheel keeps spinning but nothing is happening.

Then I start swearing. I eat 4 Halloween candy bars (Almond Joy, Mounds, Baby Ruth, and 100 Grand). I continue to curse all of technology and start hitting buttons. This is a genetic defect I inherited from my mother. When something doesn't work, start HITTING STUFF! Push all the buttons at once. Hard. Show that dumb piece of junk who's boss!

She has done this with VCRs, TVs, and any remote control of any kind. I've even seen her do it once to the car radio when she couldn't find a station she liked. Whack, whack, whack! It's called the TechnoTantrum.

After a few minutes I quit and go downstairs to watch Above the Law, with Steven Seagal. It's on T.V. and I sit there and notice how old it looks. And how totally cheesy. Sharon Stone is really annoying in this movie. All the cops in the precinct are typing on typewriters, and I'm suddenly wistful.

Now there's technology I understand.

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