You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Monday, September 8, 2008


Since I'm no longer commenting on politics (until the election, that is) I will return my focus toward more serious topics like booze, television, Freudian interpretations of my dreams, my pornography collection, collegiate sports, and that awesome turkey sandwich I'm planning to each for lunch.

You know, IMPORTANT stuff.

As most people are aware, football season has started. This means when Matt is not sleeping or working, he will be either sitting on the couch watching games screaming colorful commentary, sitting on the computer analyzing his fantasy football league, or talking on the phone with members of the fantasy football league about who sucks big time and who is quite possibly the second coming of Christ.

He will also hold his football while performing these activities, either cradling it in his arms like an ugly leather newborn, or letting it sit on his lap while Junebug stares at him with an expression that clearly states, "Are you going move that friggin' thing so I can sit there already? Gawd, you dope!"

Last Saturday college football was on. A blue team was playing a red team. I sat down on the couch while Matt ignored me.

Me: Who's playing?

Matt: The game's over.

Me: Who won?

Silence. There is an interview going on; the quarterback is being interviewed. I recognize that the team is Notre Dame. I know that Notre Dame is known for their football program.

Me: Oh, Notre Dame has a good football team.

Matt: (snorts) A long time ago. They're not great.

Me: Who has the best team?

Matt: I don't know.

He is being somewhat surly and it starts bugging me. I watch the Notre Dame fans and players singing the song they sing at the end of the game. Everyone is swaying together.

Me: I didn't know they sang at the end. What song is that?

Matt: It's a tradition.
He's all like, Well, duh!

Me (lying): Wisconsin has a song too.

Matt (suddenly interested): Really?

Me: Yeah, it's great. It's called the Beer Song.

Matt (suspicious): What? I've never heard of it.

Me: Really? Geez, I thought everyone's heard of it.

Matt: How's it go?

I start swaying back and forth like the Notre Dame fans, yet I hold my arm as though I'm hoisting a very large beer stein.

Me (singing rather operatically): Beer, beer, BEEEER! Beer, beer, BEEEEER! Beer, beer, beer, beer, beeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaar!"

I throw in a little vibrato at the end. I don't know where the melody came from but it sounds like something I've heard in an Oktoberfest beer garden. Very German. He completely believes me and starts laughing.

Matt: Why haven't I heard that song before?

Me: I don't know. It's really famous.

Matt: Huh, the Beer Song.

I can't wait until he's around his friends and starts telling them this, or better yet, singing it, and they will look at him like he's an absolute moron. I'm sure someone will say, "Yeah, I think I've heard that song before."

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