You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Monday, May 12, 2008

Sorry, Mom...

In keeping with the Mother's Day theme I would like to publicly apologize for being (what I remember of it, anyway) a difficult child.

Some things I distinctly remember doing, in no particular order.

Tickling my sister Kelly until she wet her pants. My brother Jimmy was also in on that one. I probably should apologize to Kelly, too. Sorry!

Pretending to be a special needs child. There really is no nice way to put this, but when my mom would run errands around town and me and my brother sat in the backseat bored out of our skulls, we would entertain ourselves by acting "retarded" for the other drivers when we idled at stoplights. My mom caught us doing this and started screaming at us while simultaneously driving and trying to smack us with her free hand because we actually deserved it.
Yes, I'm going to hell.

I blame the Benny Hill show.

Breaking my expensive retainer. I wouldn't wear my retainer and my mom was fed up. She told the dentist to cement it in my mouth, so he did. I was furious. And tenacious. I remember sitting in class and hitting the metal bar with my tongue. Twing! Twing! Twing! I did it until it broke. And then had to go back to the dentist. Only till they threatened me with headgear did I cease and desist. HEADGEAR! The word struck fear into any kid. I would have rather died.
I ended up getting braces anyway...

And braces...I convinced my mom I had to have the clear ceramic braces on top, as if this would make them invisible and no one would know. They were much more expensive than regular braces, and they ended up turning an unattractive shade of yellow. My teeth looked like corn niblets.

Going to the public library after church on Sundays...there isn't anything wrong with that, but me and my brother would go to the AV section and listen to George Carlin tapes. I learned a lot of new words.

I also apologize for the time between the ages of 13-19. Pretty much all of it.

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