You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Movie Review: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (Electric Boogaloo)

All right, those familiar with my movie reviews, you know what you're getting.

And those that don't, well, too bad.  This will make absolutely no sense.

Scene: NEW YEAR'S EVE (7:30pm) Cheapo movie theater.

Me: Wow!  The tickets are only 3 bucks!

Matt: Total bargain.  Go get some popcorn.

I order a small popcorn that's as large as my head.  And a giant box of Dots.  (I like Dots).

Because I'm a cheap-ass, I ask for a small glass of water.

Matt:  How much was that?

Me: Only 7 dollars!  Water was free.

Matt: So the food cost more than the tickets?

Me: Uh...yes?

We go into the almost deserted movie theater.

Of course there is a group of four OLD drunk ladies sitting behind us and being LOUD.  They have voices that sound like the Golden Girls who smoke Kools and like to vacation at Atlantic City.  You know, because it's classy.

Yes, they do sound like that.

The movie starts.

Me: Ugh.


Me: Ugh.  Ha-ha.  That is cheesy.

Me: Gross.  Edward, why do you always look like you have gastro-intestinal problems when you are making out with Bella?

Me: Why is Bella ALWAYS making that FACE?

Me: Ugh.

Me: Weird baby.  Cute baby.  Creepy looking baby.

Matt (whispering): What's wrong with that baby?

Me: Ooooooh!  Yeah!  Okay, Jacob.  Why yes, keep taking your clothes off!  This movie is waaaaaayyy better now.

Me: Is Jacob juicin'?

Me: Michael Sheen, you are so damn creepy, but for some reason I can't stop laughing when you talk.

Me: Oh yes, finally the showdown.  Ho-hum, nothing is going to happen..

Me: Holy shit?

Me: What?

Me: I don't remember this part.

Me: What?

Me: Am I drunk?  Did I get an F in reading comprehension?  I seriously don't remember this part.  Did this happen in the book?  Where am I?  What is going on?


Me: oh. I see.

Me: Hmmmm.  Hmph.  Mmpf.  Grumble.  I see what you did there.  Bravo, screenwriter.  You actually pulled it off. You tricked me.  Well done.

Me: I ate all the Dots.  And half of that popcorn.  I am disgusting.  I feel sick.  I probably have a look on my face just like Edward does when he kisses Bella. Barf.

Matt: You want to get some sushi at Wakame?  They have happy hour starting in 10 minutes.

Me: Okay!

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