Matt is eating ice cream (Mint Chocolate Chip): This is good!
Me: I know. I love the crunchy chips!
I was a little piggy and ate mine so fast and so I stare longingly at his bowl.
He doesn't offer me any more, though.
Matt: You know what else is good?
Me: You know you have a problem when you're eating ice cream and you're fantasizing about eating chips, too.
Me: What's a pork rind?
Me: You know, pork rinds. They are like cheetos, I think. Except no cheese.
Matt: What made you think of that?
Me: I saw an empty bag of pork rinds laying on the sidewalk when I went to work this morning. I remember thinking, "You gotta be one drunk mofo to eat that crap."
Matt: I've never had pork rinds.
Me: Me either. Maybe they are good and we just don't know. The name sounds pretty trashy. Like you're eating a pig butt or something.
Matt: Pig Butt! What do they even look like?
Me: I don't know. They're puffy, maybe like Funyuns?
Matt: I haven't had Funyuns in years!
Me: I know. Probably because they're disgusting.
Matt: Yeah. Texture is important in food. I don't like eating things that taste slimy.
Me: But you like raw oysters. I don't think you can get slimier than that.
Matt: Hmmm... I do like oysters.
Me: I mean, they're like eating huge boogers. They're ocean boogers!
Matt (choking on ice cream): Ocean boogers!
Me: Well, yeah, that's what oyster means. Ocean booger. Oceanus mucosa.
There is a moment of silence.
He is dead serious. And we both know it. It lasts for about five seconds.
Then he laughs so hard he almost falls off the bed.
Me: Good thing you're pretty, you big dum-dum.
But then, I don't think scabs have carbs, either.