You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Friday, July 13, 2012

Pretty dumb

Actual conversation last night with Matt:

Matt is eating ice cream (Mint Chocolate Chip): This is good!

Me: I know.  I love the crunchy chips!

I was a little piggy and ate mine so fast and so I stare longingly at his bowl.

He doesn't offer me any more, though.

Matt: You know what else is good?

Me: What?

Matt: Doritos.

Me: You know you have a problem when you're eating ice cream and you're fantasizing about eating chips, too.

Matt: Yeah.

Me: What's a pork rind?

Matt: What?

Me: You know, pork rinds.  They are like cheetos, I think.  Except no cheese.

Matt: What made you think of that?

Me: I saw an empty bag of pork rinds laying on the sidewalk when I went to work this morning.  I remember thinking, "You gotta be one drunk mofo to eat that crap."

Matt: I've never had pork rinds.

Me: Me either.  Maybe they are good and we just don't know.  The name sounds pretty trashy.  Like you're eating a pig butt or something.

Matt: Pig Butt!  What do they even look like?

Me: I don't know.  They're puffy, maybe like Funyuns?

Matt: I haven't had Funyuns in years!

Me: I know.  Probably because they're disgusting.

Matt: Yeah.  Texture is important in food.  I don't like eating things that taste slimy.

Me: But you like raw oysters.  I don't think you can get slimier than that.

Matt: Hmmm... I do like oysters.

Me: I mean, they're like eating huge boogers.  They're ocean boogers!

Matt (choking on ice cream): Ocean boogers!

Me: Well, yeah, that's what oyster means.  Ocean booger.  Oceanus mucosa.

There is a moment of silence.

Matt: Really?

He is dead serious.  And we both know it.  It lasts for about five seconds.

Then he laughs so hard he almost falls off the bed.

Me: Good thing you're pretty, you big dum-dum.

No carbs!
But then, I don't think scabs have carbs, either. 

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