You can know anything. It's all there. You just have to find it.

-Neil Gaiman


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

6 months

Dear Baby Sena,

Last Saturday you turned six months old. And I wondered, "What did I ever use to do on my weekends when I had all this free time?" I honestly don't remember. I must have done something. I think puttering around was involved.

I don't do much puttering around anymore, but that's okay.

You don't putter around at all, baby Sena. You got things to do! Things to learn! Right now you are sitting up; one day you could sort of do it. The next day you did it. And now that's what you want to do. Sit up and grab things and stuff them in your mouth. It's getting harder to keep up with you, how fast you're growing and learning. You are changing every day.

You love to eat. Bananas, peaches, prunes, sweet potatoes, squash, peas, pears, applesauce, and avocado. I think peaches and peas are your favorite. Sometimes if I don't shove them in your mouth fast enough you start to scream. Because YOU WANT TO EAT IT! NOW!

You are becoming such a big girl, baby Sena.

But you are still my little baby.

I love to feed you at night, before you go to bed. You like to hear stories and you stare at me when I sing you songs. Sometimes you will reach up your little hand and touch my face. It is so soft and smooth and your fingers open up like a chubby starfish. Then you will smile a wonderful, satisfied smile as if to say, "Hi Mommy, I'm so happy to be here with you right now."

And I am, too.

For you there is only ever "right now", but for me it is hard to not think about the future. The things you'll do, the places you'll go, what you'll see and learn. How fast you will grow up. I watch the news and see the horrible things in the world and I want to protect you from everything. I want to take all the pain for you. But I can't.

But I know there are also wonderful things in the world. Beautiful things. Things I know will be a part of your life. Things you will want to race forward to meet, while I try to hold your hand and pull you back.

I'm old enough to know how fast things go and I will try to hold onto you for as long as I can. I had my existential crisis at fifteen; when I first felt the pain of how fleeting life was. Even then I knew how quickly my life was rushing forward.

I remembered sitting on my best friend's front lawn one late summer afternoon when the light hit the ground at a certain golden angle. I remembered sitting there trying to hold onto the idea of my life and realizing everything was going to change and the future was coming whether I wanted it to or not. I felt a little helpless, a little excited, and more than a little sad. I understood what nostalgia was, what bittersweet meant, and I feel it all over again whenever I look at you.

So I will try to enjoy every day with you, for however long I am lucky enough to be in your life. And I want you to know how much you are loved, and how beautiful I want your life to be.

I love you.


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